Someone's been reading my mail, apparently.

I'm becoming a bit of a specialist in the area of goodbyes. When I was in Vancouver and anticipating coming back to the States, I read about goodbyes, MKs, and grieving. I determined that I was going to love people hard enough to make the goodbyes worth it--that it would be something I would miss because I had poured my heart into it so much, not something that I would regret because I had always held back.

I think I did a reasonable job of that. People definitely helped me a lot. My communities threw me the most amazing goodbye parties, and people went out of their way to spend time with me before I left. Those are irreplaceable memories.

When I came back to the States--actually, even when I arrived in the airport at Memphis, I was a hot mess. I'm sure I hurt my parents, because I couldn't muster any joy, for the grief I was feeling. I had actually even cried on a lady on the plane (So many feelings!). I had a hard time readjusting to being in Memphis. I didn't know who I was supposed to be, or what I was supposed to do. I was struggling in evaluating my time in Canada (How does one define a "successful" missionary, anyway?), and I was staring once again into the great unknown, not excited at the prospect of living in a country that's becoming increasingly more complicated and less fun to live in. I got a job, and I defined myself by my job. All three times when I was supposed to lose my job (to the office closing), I crashed emotionally. I liken it to arthritis, where there's no cartilage to cushion the joints. I had no emotional cartilage.

I'm facing goodbyes again. I'm leaving on June 9 for Mexico, and I don't know what will greet me when I get there, and I don't know what will happen on this side of the border while I'm gone. I have friends to grieve here, which I never thought I would have again, and I'm not really sure how to say goodbye this time. At the moment, all I know is that the time is too short for all I need and want to do, and my heart hurts.

Hebrews 13:14 says, "For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come." Yup. If you read this, I would appreciate prayer--especially that I wouldn't act all crazy in the next week, because of so many emotions.

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